“I want you to call me Max now:” A family embraces life with a transgender child

Seven-year-old Max is jumping around the monkey bars at Dinosaur Park in Ashburn on a Tuesday afternoon in June. The T-shirt with the words “He, Him” ​​on the front is almost soaked in sweat. The playground is practically empty. It’s the kind of outside heat that causes most children to go to the swimming pool instead of the playground. Max jumps down from the climbing frame and grins a thousand watts, but a couple of lightbulbs are missing.

“The tooth fairy left me seven dollars,” announced Max, pointing to the gap between the teeth.

His mother Emily nods and continues to smile to confirm the current price for baby teeth under pillows.

Max turns back to the climbing frame.

“Stay where I can see you,” Emily says, with every trace of a concerned mother in her voice.

Emily’s worries and fears go beyond what most parents experience. When her baby was born, she had little Sophia. Until she was a child, Sophia showed a preference for “boy toys” and sport.

“I was like, ‘Oh, okay, it’s just a tomboy phase,’” Emily recalls. She continued to offer clothes and dolls and thought Sophia would show interest at some point. Reality collapsed on Father’s Day 2019 when Sophia was five years old.

“We were out for brunch and the waitress said, ‘Oh, he’s so cute with his long, luscious hair,’ and I didn’t correct her. It was then that I really realized that this is not a phase; he wanted to be a boy and dress up as a boy.

It never occurred to Sophia that she was anyone other than a boy.

“When I say the word ‘transgender’ he doesn’t know what it means, he doesn’t know he’s got a label,” said Emily.

In the summer of 2019, the family watched the series “Stranger Things,” and a character on the show spoke to Sophia. The character was Max, a young red-haired girl. The androgynous name was a novel and exciting concept for Sophia.

“Mom, I want you to call me Max now,” he said.

The family began telling friends and family that Sophia’s name should be Max. Everyone in the family made a commitment, without protest or pause.

He loved bow ties, which he combined with a button-down shirt to create what he calls a “nice outfit”.

“It looks great!” he said after seeing his very first beautiful outfit.

Emily started throwing the girl’s clothes in the closet.

When Max entered the first grade of his Aldie Elementary School, Emily and the school management forged a game plan for the school year. He would use the boys’ bathroom, but only after a teacher made sure it was empty.

First grade went smoothly and Emily was sure that Max was in good hands with his teachers in Loudoun.

Culture war fodder

The identities of children like Max came under fire in Loudoun County last May when Tanner Cross, a physical education teacher at an elementary school, told school boards that he would not endorse a transgender child with their preferred pronouns.

“It’s lying to a child; it’s abuse of a child – and it’s a sin against our God, “Cross said.

The school board had gone through a review process of Directive 8040, which provides protection for transgender and gender-based students.

While such student protections are not new to the county – Policy 1080 already addresses many of the needs of trans students – the district must implement a thorough policy to meet a new Virginia mandate. The proposed guideline 8040 largely corresponds to the model guideline drawn up by the Ministry of Education.

The school board received complaints from parents about Cross’s comments, including families of five of Cross’s students. Administrators put Cross on paid vacation. The conservative Christian nonprofit Alliance Defending Freedom took up Cross’ cause and sued his reinstatement. ADF alleged that the Schools Department violated Cross’s First Amendment right to criticize the policy. Loudoun District Court Judge Eric Plowman approved the reinstatement. In an appeal to the state Supreme Court, the district argues that teachers ‘right to freedom of expression does not replace schools’ responsibility to protect students.

The case of Cross prompted Conservative Crusaders across Northern Virginia to join an existing effort to remove members of the school committee – a campaign that began months earlier about the county’s handling of learning during the pandemic.

Activists in blue T-shirts with the words “Let Tanner Teach” were an integral part of the school council’s meeting room and during demonstrations over the summer. Conservative media outlets across the country showed Cross’ remarks and shared his story, many portraying perversions of events and the school board’s handling of the matter.

“I love all of my students and treat them with dignity. There are some things that I can’t do because of my belief, ”Cross saidLoudoun now.

Cross also said his belief that “a biological boy cannot be a girl and vice versa” is not based on experience or contact with trans people.

The case has gone through the judicial system and the arguments will be heard in the Virginia Supreme Court in the coming months.

Establishment of a support system

“I didn’t want that to happen,” Emily said as she sat at a picnic table, worry frowning. Max was on the swing making cherry bombs and yelling to his mother to see how high he got.

“Do people really think I want to go through this? They’ll go to doctor’s appointments, they’ll use hormones, they’ll stick needles into their body, maybe they’ll have an operation, who knows? “

Emily is a Trump-supportive, conservative Christian – unlike most LGBTQ champions – and never foresaw the uncertain path her son will now face. When she realized that her family was going to be a “trans family,” she became an avid LGBTQ ally, watching documentaries, researching doctors, and seeking support from trans members of the community.

“I have loads of friends and family members who I’ve changed that perspective for. Some of them have never met, experienced or met a transgender person. They are happy that they can learn from it. I hate that it’s this gap. It doesn’t have to be, I don’t understand why it’s always political, “said Emily.

What grabbed her the hardest was the specter that Max’s mental health would take a turn if he didn’t feel supported.

“I’d rather have a trans son than a dead daughter,” said Emily.

Statistics from a 2020 study by The Trevor Project, the largest U.S. survey of transgender and non-binary adolescents, found that 60 percent of trans and non-binary adolescents had self-harmed, and more than half said to have thought seriously about ending her life.

A veteran of the transgender army in Leesburg, Cris Candice Tuck is an active member of the trans community and made friends with Max and Emily. Tuck is gender neutral and didn’t switch until he was 30s.

“Max’s existence destroys every single argument that could be made about trans children. There is nothing sexual, perverse or corrupt about its existence. He’s just a kid. The idea that somehow he’s doing this for attention or political reasons or out of perversion is all just so ridiculous, ”Tuck said.

Tuck wrote a passionate letter to the school board following Cross’ comments.

“It can make you feel like the world’s best choice is to go away. So for a child I can only imagine that it amplifies these feelings a thousand times, ”he said.

Tuck said having an affirmative parent and supportive community is invaluable in preventing the worst.

“When you are that age, trust the adults around you. And if you feel a certain way and you feel you belong to a certain gender, then you believe it, ”said Tuck.

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, a family psychologist and social worker in Silver Spring, MD who pioneered gender identity studies, watched the media address the issue of transgender people.

She said that validating role models is the single most important factor in the flourishing of the mental health of transgender children.

“The alternative is that you can be traumatized and kill yourself because there is no support,” said Lewis. “It’s not just the parents, but the larger community around this child.”

The future for trans kids

“He’s a relaxed boy. He loves playing tag, playing video games with his father, ”said Emily as she pushed Max on the swings.

Emily’s personal credo is not to live in fear. While worrying about Max dealing with bullies and potential medical procedures, she knows she has no control over what happens outside of her home.

However, she can’t help but wonder what would happen if one of Max’s teachers refused to acknowledge who he is.

“I recently searched his backpack and found a sheet of paper with his favorite things. He wrote that his favorite class is sports. What if he was there?TheClass? ”She said.

The late afternoon sun is still beating through the trees when Max has had enough of the swings. “Mom, can we go to the swimming pool tonight?” He asks. He adds a “Please?” for a good measure.

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