If Jennifer Lopez is going to marry a star, does it have to be Ben Affleck?
Nearly two decades after breaking off their first engagement, actors and tabloids Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck reported on a midnight wedding in Las Vegas last weekend. As Portlanders, perhaps we should be happy that Jenny from the Block is settling down with Affleck, who is Rose City – alongside her onscreen and offscreen beaus thanks to his latest project, a film about Nike’s pursuit of Michael Jordan as its celebrity athlete. Affleck co-wrote the screenplay goodwill hunt Partners Matt Damon, and he also directs and co-stars as Phil Knight, while Damon plays another Nike executive. With Portland still not having a major league baseball team, it’s hard to imagine her former fiancé Alex Rodriguez having such a professional venture in Portlandy. (He’s not the right man for the other half of a Dillon T. Pickle Buddy movie anyway.)
But J-Lo, a pop megastar and rom-com veteran, has fallen in love on screen so many times that it’s hard not to be a little disappointed that the pairing we see in real life is her co star from 2003 Gigli, which is widely considered one of the worst films of all time. There are so many other ways, from nice-guy-with-just-right-amount-of-stubble-that-meets-her-cute to when they both hop in the same cab on a rainy day (Alex O’Loughlin in The backup plan) to nice-guy-with-just-right-amount-of-stubble that she turns a blind eye to while he jogs on the beach (monster in law‘s Michael Vartan, who, by the way, started dating him Alias co-star Jennifer Garner around the same time Affleck and Lopez were scheduled to wed in 2003 (after they split, Garner married Affleck).
Congratulations to the happy couple, really. But as movie viewers, we’re just saying that this isn’t the sequel we would have chosen. Here are some of Lopez’s co-stars and lovers we’d rather see a second chance.
The Outlaw (and the Better Batman): George Clooney in Out of sight
Steven Soderbergh could have filled an entire movie just with Clooney’s bank robber/jailbreak artist and Lopez’ US Marshal lying together in a car trunk and talking about actor Peter Finch, so we know this 1998 crime romance has plenty has sequel potential. Sure, she’ll arrest him later, but we all know he’ll break out of prison soon enough. Does he ever take to the streets so they can be out in the open together? Or is he still on the run and they have to send encrypted messages to set up meetups in Midwestern hotel bars? We want to know! Also between Clooney and the film’s Michael Keaton cameo, Out of sight has Jennifer Lopez alongside not one, but two Batmans, all of whom critics agree each did a much better job with the role than her new husband.
The Republican: Ralph Fiennes in Maids in Manhattan
Wayne Wang’s Cinderella story features a traditional Jennifer Lopez movie character: the super-responsible hard worker with a dream. She is mistaken for a wealthy guest at a Schmancy Hotel by a dashing Senate candidate, played by Ralph Fiennes, who in 2002 was still in that dreamy phase between best known for playing a Nazi and best known for playing , instead of playing Voldemort for some of the cleaning staff. The GOP contestant bonds with Lopez’s son over a shared respect for Richard Nixon, whose legacy becomes a small plot point. With a supporting cast that includes Stanley Tucci, Maddie Corman, Amy Sedaris, Bob Hoskins, and Natasha Richardson (RIP to the latter two), the film makes no sense, but it’s an excellent double feature Thick. If there were sequels, we wonder if Fiennes would stick with Alex P. Keaton’s routine or switch parties with his wife unionizing the hotel staff.
Jesus Christ: Jim Caviezel in Eyes of an Angel or Rodrigo Santoro in What to expect when you are pregnant
To be honest, we don’t really care about these guys’ characters in their J-Lo movies, which we may or may not have seen: Caviezel’s haunted widower and Santoro’s nervous father-to-be are, you know, okay, probably. We simply register that among the many people who have played Jesus Christ on screen, they are two of the most beautiful. Why wouldn’t J-Lo have a smoking hot son of god? She’s been through a lot. Is this how things would go? WandaVision or Enchanted? What happens when her father-in-law comes to visit? Could they be swingers and let Laura Linney in on the action because that connection with Santoro missed her character? love actually?
The same: Shakira
Now that we know the Super Bowl Halftime Show isn’t a narrative film, let’s still imagine a happy ending for the two most impressive athletes on the field this February Sunday in 2020, just before the world shuts down. (Sorry, MVP Patrick Mahomes, but you know we’re right.) Or we can just relive that day over and over—it was Groundhog Day, after all. Conveniently, the Brazilian singer is recently single after splitting from her Barcelona soccer star partner Gerard Piqué earlier this year; Had the two mega-platinum artists actually gotten together, it would have been a nice reversal Gigli‘s love story in which J-Lo pursues a relationship with a woman by falling in love with Affleck.
The Normal Guy: Owen Wilson in Marry me
Twenty-five years after her character had watched him being crushed and eaten by the large serpent within anaconda, Jennifer Lopez plays a pop megastar who falls in love with Owen Wilson in this 112-minute Vitamix commercial with Peacock Premium subscription. Along the way, she befriends Wilson’s jock daughter and picks up some of the real-world skills elite celebrities just don’t have unless they fall in love with a commoner, like how to put the lid on a blender. Audiences may be wondering things like “Can a teacher really afford this apartment?” and “Who’s taking care of the dog?” and “Would a rival coach of an academic team really be that mean?” but we never wonder what she sees in the humble Wilson, who exudes the same golly-gosh vibes as dear vegan Freya The Great British Baking Show. He’s just happy to be here and wants to make the world a better place and not embarrass his daughter, okay? Or maybe the sight of him just got us excited for the next season of Loki.